Excuse Me Mrs. - Is There a Dr. In The House?
I was on a virtual work call about a week ago. Go figure, right? Everything is virtual these days. There were approximately fifty people on the call. We could see the faces of some, while others had their cameras off. As many of you know, while being on these virtual calls we have the opportunity to type in our names as we see fit. Given that the calls are work-related, we generally enter our first and last names along with our preferred pronouns. The thing is, if we do not know people, we do not know exactly what prefix we should use. Should we say Mrs., Ms. Dr., etc? This is always a struggle for me because people are sensitive about how you address them.
While in this meeting, we were asked to join a small breakout session. I was in the group with two other women. They both only had their first and last names. One had a hyphenated name, so when I went to address her I said, “Is it Mrs. Jones-Black?” She responded with what I felt was a tone. “It’s Dr. Black!” Now see, this is the very thing I wanted to avoid. I didn’t address her correctly, and she let me know-quickly! Here’s the problem for me. If you want to be called Dr. and I don’t know you, why not put Dr. in front of or your degree credentials behind your name? Like…how is anyone supposed to know? I am guessing she really stressed her “Dr.” prefix because we had a difference in opinion in terms of the work we were doing. This gave her the ammunition to “check” me. After I incorrectly addressed her, the remaining moments were awkward. What was worse, I could not see her expression because she had her camera off. I did not know if I read her tone wrong or not because I could not see her. face. This was an extension of the awkwardness. I’ve always thought having cameras off on work calls was rude, but okay.
I have a doctorate and never attach any credentials to my name on virtual calls. That is my DECISION. Therefore, I also do not take offense or any “tone” when someone who does not know me does not address me as such. If I knowingly and willingly ignore someone’s name requests, shame on me. If you haven’t given people the tools necessary to address you properly and have some expectations for people to do so, shame on you. After the call, I wondered if I should have said to her, “Me too!” How would she have felt then?
PAUSE. Check Yourself, Girl! Sometimes, you just have to give people their moment. We don’t always need to match people’s energy. Tit for tat is overly petty. Why bother? Besides, if people need to reach into their tool belts to nail you to the wall over something so small (disagreeing on the answer to a scenario), then they have the energy to go toe to toe. Period! You don’t always need to be “here for it.”
I didn’t fire back nor demand to be called Dr. too. The situation did not call for it. That was her moment, and I let her have it. Her point was well taken. In her mind, she put me way down in my place. If her letting me know she has a doctorate gave her the satisfaction she needed, so be it. I recognize that some of us need a “Girl, I got her told” story every now and again. I was the basis for hers that day. That is forever all right with me.